Travelling from yesterday’s post on the value of context and experience when giving advice and answering questions, I land at today’s topic.

Our stories. They make up the sum of who are and who we continue to evolve to become in the future. Circumstances of our births, failures, personal and professional triumphs, lucky coincidences, senseless accidents, meeting the right and wrong people in life, divine talent, hard-earned lessons… The list goes on. We are shaped by all of it – what life has thrown at us, what we have taken control of, our time and place in history along with a healthy dose of luck and lack of it. We are not shaped by a single person or event though some have more effect than others. That’s why we can’t find two people identical in every way. So, why do we try to fit into crowds at the cost of hiding our true selves when our unique experiences can make each one of us stand out?

I heard this first from Michelle Obama in her book, Becoming. It has stayed with me, growing in significance ever since. Own your story, it is who you are.

The host of a podcast I was listening to asked his guest to answer questions from viewers. And he prefixed it by saying this.

Don’t reply like you are preaching to an acquaintance or stranger. Answer as if you are giving advice to yourself.

I found this very interesting. Essentially the host was asking for advice with the application of context and experience instead of a garden-variety response that could be applied to most people. The latter is what is done most often, however, it is also the kind to have least impact. A middle-of-the-road answer is neither illuminating nor thought-provoking. On the contrary, advice that is rich in personal experience may be applicable only to a very small group of people, but where it is relatable, it leaves the most lasting impression.

Sometimes being backed into a corner is the best thing that can happen to us. Having very few choices can clear up unproductive apprehensions and provoke us to make gutsy life choices that we are otherwise too afraid to take.

What marks the transition to adulthood? Living on your own, taking care of yourself, paying the bills, getting a job, gaining financial stability, having a family, etc. The list goes on. These are all steps to gaining the trust and confidence of people who have seen you grow and cannot stop seeing you as a kid.

It may not be possible to satisfy all these criteria at an early enough point in life. That’s why the real test of adulthood is not ticking check boxes but rather getting to a point where we take ownership of our fears, successes, failures and make decisions for the right reasons, unencumbered by the need to prove ourselves to others. This is not an overnight process, it takes time and several missteps and painful lessons. But it has to start with a single first step, motivated by one thing – proving to yourself that you will grow.

I had just gone to bed. Knowing I had to wake up early in the morning, I was not doing what I usually did – browsing my phone. As I lay there staring at the ceiling, waiting for sleep to come, it suddenly struck me how I had not done this in a long time – been alone with my thoughts at the end of the day in the minutes before falling asleep. An activity that I had subconsciously practised for most of my life had somehow completely disappeared. And I could trace its origin back to the time I got my first smartphone almost 7 years ago.

I have always been acutely aware of the unproductive time I spent on my phone and laptop – browsing social media, reading books, watching videos. Having gone off social media for the past 4 months, I had even started reaping some benefits from reducing screen time. But until now, I had not noticed the subconscious habits that had fallen to the wayside as a result of having so much access and content, literally, at my fingertips.

Being cognizant of the effect of smart gadgets on productivity is not hard with the multiple reminders coming at us from outside and within. But the unknown possibilities and potential that we could be losing out on – something as simple as letting your mind wander at the end of a day – those are the things that can pass us by if we are not more self-aware.

Have you ever noticed how sometimes someone has that one bad personality trait which overshadows all the other good characteristics he/she has? This side of them may come to the fore very rarely but when it does, it lingers in our minds long after. Whenever I have observed this, I used to feel sad that their one bad attribute eclipsed everything else they did and they weren’t even aware of it.

But what was more revealing was when I had this same observation said about me once. I went into denial mode, confident that none of my qualities, no matter how irksome, could ever reach that level of aggravation. And I believed this for a long time. And then one day, I was contemplating on how a person could be so oblivious to this truth about oneself and it struck me that I was being one of those people myself.

Nobody behaves poorly knowing that it is bad. We do it believing that we are justified in our actions while being so blinded by our self-righteousness and conceit that we can’t open our eyes to see how it is affects others around us. Recognising one’s fault is the first step in the ongoing journey to better ourselves.

Recently, in a conversation at work, I exhibited ignorance about a pretty basic computer networks concept. As is the norm, I spent the next few hours berating myself for making such a stupid remark. Later when the voices in my head had calmed down enough, I was reflecting on what happened and identified the two fundamental reasons that contributed to that moment.

One, self doubt. In this particular case, it wasn’t that I didn’t know the concept. In fact, prior to making that statement, I had spent a few seconds to look it up because what was being said didn’t align with my knowledge. But instead of looking at other possible reasons for my misinterpretation, I assumed that my understanding was wrong. This was reflected even in the google search I did to confirm my comprehension.

Second, imposter syndrome combined with the need to look knowledgeable. Instead of spending time addressing the discrepancies in the statements and arriving at the correct solution that could explain it all, I was focused more on not sounding ignorant in front of my colleagues. This skewed perspective affected my entire approach towards problem solving. I came to realise that the need to appear smart, ironically, ended up producing opposite results.

Lesson learned. Concentrate on the actual substance of any matter, the superficial stuff will fall in place on its own.

Nobody cares how much you know until they know how much you care.

~ Theodore Roosevelt

I don’t ask for help easily. And I am using that adverb very loosely. It would be more apt to say that I have to be cornered to ask for help. In the professional domain, this stems from the need to not look ignorant or stupid in front of my peers. In my personal life, it comes from not wanting to impose on anyone else. I am still working on the latter. But I have gotten better in the professional sphere atleast.

I have found that asking questions early on is far better than waiting until I have exhausted all my options. It helps to steer me in the right direction, saves me hours that would otherwise be spent going down the wrong rabbit hole and most importantly, team members prefer it when questions are asked upfront. I also slowly came to realize that others have similar questions and almost nobody takes me as seriously as I take myself. Everyone has a million other things on their mind.

So that sums up my self talk argument. Don’t take yourself so seriously.

I am one of those fortunate enough to not have my work affected by the quarantine, having the luxury of working predominantly from home for almost a year now. And I am definitely enjoying the perks that come with it. Like sleeping in late. Cooking more. Having more personal time for myself. Even though initially I was not good at working alone, I have found my own rhythm now. So if you were to ask me whether I missed going in to work, I would be hard pressed to give an emphatic answer.

But on the occasional days when I do go into office (since the situation is under control here), I have noticed a difference in my mood. It is not because of any fun moments or reduction in the workload. Rather on these days, I feel more tired by the time I get home, enough to just eat and crash. What makes the difference actually is the few social moments scattered during the day, chatting about work, listening to colleagues discuss some topic, going out for lunch. These interactions don’t make a marked impact in my daily life but they help to even out the harder things like pressure to meet a deadline, bitterness over an argument or just plain loneliness.

It has made me realize how important it is for humans to be social. Even though we all have varying degrees of extroversion, interacting with others is a fundamental part of our DNA. And we can never discount the importance of inconsequential communal moments in our day to day lives.