I am one of those people who takes life too seriously. But to my advantage, I have come to recognize the benefits of finding humor in daily life events, how it can lessen burdens, inspire joy in ourselves and others, even help us to care better for our loved ones. The effects are especially noticeable in parenting.

So what do you do if you are like me, not naturally equipped to identify pockets of laughable moments in life? Being around friends and family who do have that quality is a good first step. Spending time with them, we might pick up a few cues. At the very least, we will learn to see life through a different perspective, one that can lighten our hearts and minds for what can be a pretty unpredictable world.

When Olympic winners are announced, what emotion do you expect to see on the faces of the silver and bronze medal winners immediately after the announcement? We would say disappointment. And we would be partially right. The silver medal winners do reflect that emotion. What is surprising though is that bronze medal winners show happiness. And this trend continues to be reflected in the time after the event too.

Why is that? The explanation lies in how humans measure winning and losing. Those who come in second place are sad because they are comparing themselves to the first place winner and thinking about what they lost. Whereas bronze winners are happy because they are looking at what they won, that they got on the podium.

So our disappointment from losses and elation from wins are not absolute, but rather based on who we weigh ourselves against. My dad used to say that the only person you need to beat is the person you were yesterday. It is easier said than done but I think it is a useful reminder to lead a happier life.

They are always special – the real and the metaphorical ones. While on them, we are out of your mind with fear and anxiety. But once we are done, we look back and see amazing memories.

When I reflect on the day-to-day interactions that impact and stay with me for days, sometimes months after, they are the ones where I felt engaged, listened to or inspired. These were always the result of conversations and actions that were not a means to the end. Rather they were motivated by a deeper reason, completely unaffected by any need to convince. It’s the difference between showing and telling.

Show more, tell less.

I have always been a rule follower and a strict one at that. I would take every rule literally and follow it to the letter with hardly any flexibility. But over time I have realized that what is more important is to understand the spirit of the law.

Laws and rules are written in precise terms with every possible clause attached because that is how you build a generic scalable system. And we should use these edicts – like a guidebook that points out the important landmarks in a city. But what helps us navigate the day-to-day is our own moral compass built on the foundations of strong values like empathy and honesty. Taking this approach puts the onus on us to explore the reasons behind a practice, question its relevance to current times and challenge the status quo.

Following the law to the letter is the easy way out of ethical dilemmas. Understanding the spirit behind it, that takes some serious soul-searching.

Nobody like to go through a hard time. When we are in the midst of it, we either wish for the situation to become easier or to somehow bypass it altogether. But in reality, enduring a hardship, working through it and coming out on the other end is a necessary component in life. Life really is the best teacher.

There are no guarantees on how things will shape up. We might make some irreversible mistakes along the way. But the process of muddling through a seemingly insurmountable problem will build our character like nothing else can. It will take us on a journey of self discovery, build up our grit, make us more resilient and maybe even leave us with more empathy for ourselves and others. Whatever those lessons are, they will be unique to our own individual experience and they come from the journey itself, not the results at the end.

We learn far, far, far more from our failures than we ever learn from our successes. And that is why, no matter how hard it seems, sometimes the best thing we can do to help the people we love is to let them fall and rise again. Offer silent support but allow them to fight their own battles even if they start off wrong.

Trials and tribulations are a necessary rite of passage to adulthood and there are no shortcuts.

Living in Singapore, I have access to a fantastic public library system, so I mostly read books that have passed several hands over the years. But this week, I got a book that was published only couple of months ago. When I held it in my hand, I felt transported back in time to my childhood when my father would take us to Higginbotham’s to buy books of our own. If I designed paradise, that is how it would look, filled floor-to-ceiling with books.

What sensory stimulus triggered this trip down memory lane? Scent.

I love the smell of a new book. When you breathe it in, it evokes this indescribable feeling like rainy evenings, hot drinks and warm snuggles all rolled into one. What could be better?

Have you observed how we often joke, generalize, blame and overall display unnuanced human behavior when conversing in groups, but if we take a walk and speak with someone one-on-one, the discussion shows depth and empathy?

There is a reason why these heart-to-heart conversations, as we call them, leave us feeling more connected and satisfied with a new level of appreciation and understanding for the other person. When we are in groups, we generalize and joke because we are strongly influenced by peer behavior and don’t want to be left out or appear naive in front of our friends. Sometimes, it is also because discussing in groups with a wide diversity of opinions can derail into arguments really quickly. Cue switchtracking. On the other hand, in personal intimate conversations, we tend to be more open and honest about our thougts and emotions. We empathise and respond better to what we hear.

I have always enjoyed large gatherings of friends. But this quarantine has made me appreciate the value of personal conversations. The few such talks I have had left me feeling a deep sense of connection and fulfillment.

That’s one of my goals for this year – deeper engagement.

As I was listening to this podcast on the history behind the birth of gynecology, specifically how the father of modern gyencology – James Marion Sims – based his findings on the pain of enslaved black women, I found myself grappling with a dilemma that I have been encountering time and again recently.

When historical analysis reveals the failings of a revered role model, how do you deal with it?

Do we cast aside the figure and his/her teachings?
Do we ignore the pain of the victims in favor of the greater good that this person eventually created?
If we continue to reap the benefits of this good, aren’t we being hyprocrites?
How do we talk about history in an unbiased manner and still maintain the orderly world we live in today?

For instance, in this case, we cannot reject the knowledge gained by James Marion Sims from these experiments as modern gynecology stands on its foundations. So how do we reconcile with the fact that the healthcare knowledge we benefit from as women, today, was forged in the pain of our fellow sisters who were deemed to be of less value and had no say in how their bodies could be used?

I don’t know if I have an absolute answer yet, I don’t think anyone can ever provide one. But hearing the story of Anarcha, Betsy, and Lucy has made one thing clear. We cannot ignore selective parts of history because they are inconvenient. While we cannot reverse time and erase those sordid portions, we can respect the victims by relating events impartially; accept when something new is revealed that brings down a paragon we put up on a pedestal. As adults, the least we can do is shoulder the responsibility of acknowledging all sides of a story, reconcile with the failings of perceived heroes and learn from times past so we can do better in the generations to come.

In the very first episode of The Hidden Brain podcast, Shankar Vedantam talks with Sheila Heen, a professor at Harvard Law School about the concept of switch tracking. It is a pattern in conversations where one person’s feedback alters the course of the discussion causing the two parties to argue about entirely different things.

She illustrates with a clip from the sitcom Lucky Louie. The premise – Louie has just given his wife Kim a bouqet of red roses in anticipation of a romantic weekend getaway. What follows is this conversation.

Kim: Try not to take this the wrong way. If we are going to be married for the next 30 years, I need you to know that red roses are not my thing.[…..]
Louie: Can I critique how you just called me that?
Kim: I have told you before that I dont like red roses, remember?
Louie: I just think that you should have thanked me for the flowers first and then said you didn’t like red roses.[…..] It’s a gift. I guess I dont think it matters what it is, you still thank me.
Kim: I dont necessarily think that I should thank you for giving me something that I have specifically told you I don’t like.

Kim is talking about how Louie doesn’t listen to her while Louie is stuck on the fact that his wife doesn’t appreciate him. At this point, the argument becomes about whose topic is more important.

Sounds familiar? It definitely struck close to home with me. In almost every argument I have had and lost, I can pinpoint the time when I started responding to immediate feedback and lost sight of my main point. Often we have one-sided switch tracking conversations and respond to the other person within our minds, a conversation that he/she is blissfully unaware of.

Switch tracking derails any conversation whether one-sided or multi-sided. At the point we realize it is happening, the best thing we can do is take a step back and calm down. Then bring the diverging tangents to attention and really listen to each other’s concerns without interruption. Or just table the conversation for later when calmer minds can prevail.