Jan 20, 2017 was an emotional and nostalgic day for many, not just in the US, but across the world. Barack Obama and the values he stood for, have resonated with millions of people around the globe. His farewell had an even greater impact because of the uncertainty and apprehensions evoked by the incoming administration. 

Throughout this month, social media has been strife with people lamenting his leaving and wishing for four more years. But then, recently, I started wondering about what Obama would have been thinking when starting on his own journey. Maybe he was dissatisfied with the then administration’s actions. Or maybe he was impressed by them. He probably saw the potential that the presidential position held to transform lives. Whatever the reason, at some point, he must have decided “That’s who I want to be. That’s how I am going to effect change.” 

And there must be somebody thinking along the same lines even now, as the rest of us are still consumed by the memories of the past and fear of the future. That person could be somebody you know or maybe even you.  

Be the change you want to see

There has never been a more compelling time to live by Gandhi’s words, to be that instrument of change rather than a bystander. That is how leaders are born. 

In my last post, I wrote about how not to listen. Today, I want to follow it up with the right way to listen. 

Empathic listening – don’t just listen to the words, listen to the expressions, body language, context as well. 

When we are told to put ourselves in others’ shoes, often we are still seeing the situation from our perspective only. Really putting ourselves in another person’s skin is to see through his/her eyes, coloured by his/her own personal experiences, ideologies and characteristics. And we can do this simply by paying attention to everything about a person during a conversation, not just the words. We don’t listen with the intent to change their opinion, but to actually empathise with where they are coming from. 

Let’s seek to first understand, then to be understood. 

At one point during a conversation I was having with my sister, she asked me whether I was really replying after reflecting on the entirety of what she said. Another time, after watching me talk with someone else, she said that she had noticed I opened my mouth (literally) even before the other person finished speaking. These two instances made me realize that I was mostly listening with the intent to reply – once I had formed an opinion and framed a reply, I was essentially tuning out the remainder of the words.

I think quite a few of us do this. We listen to the other person while simultaneously thinking about our own response, rather than actually listening and reflecting on the person’s words. This form of communication usually leaves the other party feeling frustrated and almost never works out. As I discovered earlier when trying to reconcile with differing view points, the feeling of being (genuinely) listened to is important, simply because it induces the other person to be a good listener as well.

So lets listen to just listen, not to respond.

I once asked my dad how he never felt jealous or resentful about those of his friends and family who were leading more successful lives. And his reply has become a life philosophy for me. 

I am glad to be surrounded by people who are better than me. Now, when I have problems, I can get their superior help. Why should I feel envious? 

From the time when I first heard this, his way of thinking has been a real eye-opener for me. Now, as I have grown more mature, I realise that his ability to think this way comes from having deep intrinsic security, that originated from within himself and not from how others see him. 

What we need, first, is to build our own sense of self worth by looking within ourselves. And in the process, I am confident we will discover and imbibe my dad’s philosophy without any additional effort. 

As President Obama and Michelle Obama prepare to leave the White House, the deepest imprint that they have made in my mind is that the President and First Lady are also ordinary people like me. They have made the first family seem more approachable and down-to-earth – people I can relate to, rather than put up on a pedestal. While this may seem normal now, this has only been made possible by their words and actions, spoken and done through the last 8 years. 

Today, we take a lot of things for granted – that women have voting rights, that a gay woman can host a popular talk show, even that we have electricity. As time passes, it is easy to forget the innumerable struggles that many before us went through, so that we may enjoy these privileges today. As we embark on our own journeys to achieve more progress, it is important we remember our legacy, how we reached here, that we truly do stand on the shoulders of giants. 

A lot of us in this generation are experiencing the usual mid-life crisis at the end of the first quarter itself. Having recently stepped into 25, I am also evaluating what I want to do and where I want to be in the long run. 

This can be a hard question to figure out with the number of variables that have to be factored in. But a close friend of mine mentioned a philosophy that I think can help us figure out the answer to this question. 

Optimise for maximum learning and impact 

What set of skills and character traits make the unique me? Where I can learn the most? In which space can I make maximum impact? 

These questions can serve as our own personalised north star, effectively guiding us in the right direction. 

Charity begins at home

I didn’t understand this saying for a long time (how do you do charity at home?) and even after I did understand, I never really agreed with it. 

But today I was asked by someone “So many of us talk about helping the needy and underprivileged. But if we can’t understand and care for the people at home – our own family and friends, those we already have a bond with – what makes us think that we will be any different with strangers?” 

It is a question worth asking ourselves.

In a movie that I saw recently, a girl tells her therapist about her parents neglecting her during the first few years of her childhood. The sense of abandonment that it created has made it difficult for her to talk to her parents normally ever since. The therapist then asks her to move them down from the position of parents to that of human beings and think about it again. 

I have experienced the power of this manner of thinking myself. Often, we put people, who have come to matter a lot to us, up on a pedestal. And when they do something that hurts us or affects our opinion of them adversely, we begin to develop negative emotions – anger, hatred, self-doubt, bitterness. 

But if we were to think of them as just human beings who can also make mistakes, atleast some of our sour relationships can be salvaged. This does not mean justifying what they did. Sometimes, you might still not think that their actions are worthy of forgiveness. After all, they have occupied that position in our mind and heart because of their characteristics and actions. And anything that tarnishes that image will affect us in some way. But lowering people from a pedestal and looking at them as just humans may atleast save us some heart break. 

You are born with relatives, but you can atleast choose your friends

The first time I read this quote, I was struck by its essence. We are the sum of the five closest people we surround ourselves with. And we get to choose them. How fortunate are we!

But quickly following on the heels of that thought, came another one. Isn’t family also special? And precisely for the reason the quote stated – we are born into it.

We did not choose our father, mother, brother or sister. But we still love them. We may disagree on fundamental core beliefs, have daily fights and even go without talking for years. But underneath all of it, the familial bond remains.

To me, family embodies the true meaning of unconditional love. We form friends through a process of natural social selection. But we didn’t decide on our parents or siblings and yet we love them. And that is the wonder and beauty of family.

Stephen Covey proposes the concept of an emotional bank account to understand the trust quotient in a relationship. It is quite simple. In any relationship, every time you do something of value to the other person, you make a deposit and any perceived negative action results in a withdrawal. If the account balance is high, it compensates for any mistakes you make. If it is already running low, further slips will weaken the bond.

When I evaluated my important relationships on the background of this idea, I could clearly identify the ones with high and low account values and how my actions (and inactions) have been affecting this balance. While reflecting, there were two significant things I realized.

First, the strongest relationships are those which have been nurtured with valuable and timely deposits. These need not be grand gestures, just simple ones like continually showing up or lending a listening ear. These deposits become especially important in relationships with people we interact with on a regular basis.

Second, a withdrawal is not measured by the causal action’s importance to us. Rather, it depends on the value it holds to the other person.

So, evaluate your emotional bank accounts. Make frequent, valuable deposits. Learn what he/she perceives as a withdrawal and by how much. Acting on this understanding will ensure that the relationship flourishes.