Priya Parker, in her book “The Art of Gathering”, defines a good gathering as one whose purpose is disputable, that sets the agenda of the group with enough specificity that it helps to decide who should be included and who can be excluded.

At first glance, this looks controversial. And in traditional settings like a wedding, it can be too. But by doing this exercise, we make the gathering more meaningful that in turn helps to make the event memorable for everyone who joins.

I have benefitted from this myself when I was looking for book clubs to join. In the sea of book clubs out there, I found two with very specific agendas. One where everyone gathered to hear two members share about the book they were reading followed by a discussion. Another where the group meets to read a book in silence for a few hours. These purposes automatically excluded people looking to join a conventional book club that picks a book to read every month. And it helped make the choice for someone like me who wanted to meet new people through the activity alongside the flexibility to read books of my own choice at my own pace.

Purpose is a group’s bouncer. When we create thoughtful gatherings, we value the time of everyone – those included and excluded.

The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposing ideas in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function.

– F. Scott Fitzgerald

We often resist new knowledge that contradicts our current beliefs because we tie our opinions to our identity and see such disputes as a threat to that identity. Instead if we were to embrace it as an opportunity to learn, we will be able to view our past selves with more self-compassion while allowing our present selves to grow without barriers.

It will also open our mind enough to aspire for the first-rate intelligence Fitzgerald talks about.

Team culture is universally accepted as one of the main cornerstones of any organization today. But mang orgs fall short of the lofty promises they make.

Culture is said to be one of the hardest things to build and sustain in a company. This viewpoint exists partially because it is a people dependent undertaking and partly due to the fact that it is an ongoing endeavor, one that never ceases. But we sometimes overestimate how long it takes to bring about a cultural shift with the right mindset and leaders.

A few things I have learnt in my professional career so far about building and sustaining a team’s culture.

• Know what your values are. Be honest about them first to yourself and then to your team. The only thing worse than not investing in culture is believing one set of values while endorsing another set in the daily course of work.
• Reiterate frequently. Without consistent repetition, it will not be ingrained in the daily life of the average employee.
• Back up your words with action. Seek out and endorse examples of the desirable behavior.
• Similarly identify and discourage actions that are not aligned with the kind of team you are trying to build. The crucial moments in shaping culture lie in those instances when we stand up for the values we advocate at the cost of another significant business goal. That is how we communicate to the broader team the importance of our value system.
• The larger the organisation, the more critical it is to ensure that all levels of leaders from top executives to senior developers are aligned with the company’s culture. That they understand the values, what they mean to the enterprise’s future and why.
• Periodically retrospect and improve the values according to the present times. A value system that needs to be broken down in order to evolve is an indication that it was not principled in the right way to begin with.
• Finally, culture is always shaped by conscious deliberate action. It can never be left to chance.

Anger is an emotion with a very short fuse. It can ramp up and take over our faculties in a flash. But it also abates over time.

One way I have found to get a better handle on my anger is to take a deep breath just as I feel a sudden onslaught of emotion. Regardless of how justified or self righteous I feel in that moment, I still take that pause. This technique helps me ride out the initial outburst of emotion and come down to a less heightened state.

If my spontaneous judgement was wrong, it ensures that I don’t say anything impulsively that I may later regret. And in the case where my opinions don’t change, I still calm down enough to frame my response in a more productive manner.

Anger, even the self-righteous kind, is useful only when we harness it to change the situation through deliberate rational action, never impulsive words or reactions.

The relentless pursuit of perfection is not perfection at all costs. Rather it is the drive to push back against the urge to say this is good enough.

In the words of Robert Iger, the CEO of Disney, “it’s about creating an environment where people refuse to accept mediocrity”.

At an entrepreneurship program in college, one of the mentors remarked that all knowledge we collect throughout life are data points which inform us to take better decisions in the future. I have found this piece of advice to be applicable for everything – books I read, content I watch, new roles at work and diverse experiences I try.

Seeing new knowledge from this lens has helped in three ways.

One, view nothing as wasted knowledge. Even if we don’t use the skills learnt in a course directly, we will still end up gaining other things – network, connection or simply the knowledge of what does not interest us.

Two, when I feel undecided for too long about trying something new, it is better to go for it rather than staying still. The new data point will pivot me in some direction that is not possible when I am just waiting in place.

Three, become more deliberate about the content and experiences I spend time accumulating knowledge from to get more effective data points that are aligned with my own personal goals.

For the longest time, I thought that being in a consistent state of happiness is the most important life goal. While I had learnt from a young age that materialistic achievements would not get me there, I still believed that I could find just the right set of tools and techniques to trick my mind into being happy always regardless of life circumstances.

Now I recognize that the goal itself was wrong. Happiness is not a consistent feeling. It is experienced sporadically throughout life in two forms.

• Instantaneous moments of joy like when we get a gift or a promotion.
• A state of flow like organizing a surprise party with family or working with a team to deliver a new idea.

In both cases, it is not something pursued but rather experienced in the moment or hindsight. In fact, those who pursue happiness are less likely to experience it.

A more worthwhile goal to work towards with deliberation is leading a meaningful life. When our steps are aligned in the direction of our life purpose and we invest in connecting / engaging with others, these moments of happiness are more likely to occur.

In her book Insight, Tasha Eurich defines self awareness as “the will and skill to see ourselves clearly – to understand who we are, how others see us, and how we fit into the world around us”. It is a unique gift that only humans can cultivate which allows us to observe ourselves from outside, almost like a third person.

Delusion can often masquerade as insight. It is even more dangerous since it lulls us into thinking that we are self aware and makes us even more defensive and arrogant.

To get true insights, we need to first embrace our emotions and accept our prejudices. Once we acknowledge them, they can no longer blur our perception of self, thereby allowing us to clearly see who we are in that moment and how we are perceived by the environment around us.

To be self aware is to know who you are now while acknowledging that you don’t know who you can be tomorrow.

Nobody cares how much you know, until they know how much you care.

– Theodore Roosevelt

To be heard, first listen.

When we share what happened during the day to friends or family, we tend to focus on the negative experiences even though most of our interactions are, on average, positive. When we are too fixated pessimistically, it may give us short term satisfaction in the form of affirmation, validation and support but in the long run, this hinders us from seeing the big picture and moving on from the incident. Research has also shown that the more we rehash the negative, the more our hope reduces.

How can we complain less? These are some tools that help me consciously reduce the time I spend in complaining.

• Identify the type of complainer you are. Do you have a tendency to rant too much and too often about the same things? Or do you vent once to clear your mind? If it is the former, then set a limit for the number of times you can talk about an incident to others. If it is the latter, you can set a limit too but it is more important that you feel listened to so your mind is purged enough to allow for retrospection.
• Pick the right listener to complain to. The best ones are those who will not simply reaffirm our opinions but acknowledge them while helping us see other perspectives.
• Write in a journal instead. This is a very powerful technique as articulating our thoughts reduces the impact of an event and it is a one way conversation with no expectation of validation from the recipient.
• Make a daily gratitude list. What am I grateful for today? This ritual shifts our focus to the positive things that we usually take for granted.

Complaining may be initially cathartic but mentally drains us in the long term. It is another way we cling on to the past instead of living in the present.