When we feel ashamed or embarrassed on behalf of a loved one, we usually attribute it to reasons like morals and societal norms. This is also convenient sometimes as it allows us to absolve ourselves of accountability for our subsequent actions.

In reality, this behavior points to our own narrow beliefs and prejudices. A son cannot feel embarrassed for his parents’ middle class status in a five star wedding unless he believes that status defines who he is. Neither can a father feel upset with his daughter for choosing to study further after reaching “marriageable age” if he values her self reliance first.

We may not be able to dictate the perception of society but we can sure shape it by being one of the torch bearers of change. But what it needs first is broadening our own perspectives. When we do that, we automatically acquire the strength to stand alongside the people we love in the face of any and all societal coercion.

We have the most in common with others when we feel awkward and alone. Isolation is as universal as it gets. 

– The Comfort Book by Matt Haig

Honestly with self is the hardest kind. Being honest with ourselves requires multiple traits.

• Self awareness to identify the good, bad and the grey.
• Humility to recognize our flaws and weakenesses, especially those which have been blind spots until now.
• Courage to accept them even as they alter our perception of self.
• Finally strength to pick ourselves up and go in the right direction from thereon.

When we can acknowledge our deepest insecurities, fears and flaws, we are already more than half way on the road to improvement. When we make it a habit, we become more self secure and no fall is too hard to bounce back from.

Michelle Obama defines her support system of family and friends as her “kitchen table”. It is the circle of people who fill up different parts of our lives in the present.

I have found this way of thinking about relationships to be particularly useful when dealing with hurt and loneliness. If a friendship grows distant or sours, it does not invalidate all the good memories we have had so far. It just means that our journey together has come to an end for the time being. Similarly, we should always make room and welcome new people to join us in our current phase. Past hurt should not close us off to the future.

Life is a train journey with multiple diverse people who get on and off at different stations. The train never stops nor should it close its doors to new travel companions.

Conflict is an inevitable part of any relationship, personal or professional. But how can we keep it from spiraling, find common ground and move forward?

One technique identified to help with conflict resolution is conceptual receptiveness. It is the “use of words and phrases to communicate to your counterpart that you are engaged with their point of view“. The key focus of this tool is to demonstrate our empathy and engagement in a way that is transparent to the other person.

Four specific techniques were identified to communicate conceptual receptiveness – HEAR.

• Hedging your claims with words like “perhaps”, “sometimes,”maybe”. This shifts the conversation from absolute statements to a dialogue.
• Emphasizing agreement by identifying specific points put forth by the other party that we agree with.
• Acknowledgement by reinstating the other person’s point of view. This makes them feel heard. It is only when we feel listened to that we open our minds to hear other view points.
• Reframing with positive statements. For example, instead of saying “I hate it when people have double standards”, we say “It feels good when we treat others in the same way that we expect to be treated”.

As I was reading and understanding this technique, I realized that I have been unknowingly following some of these points in navigating my professional sphere but I have often fallen short in personal relationships. The reason is ironical. As more time passes, we stop listening and start dictating because we think we already know our close family and friends fully.

Drives home the fact that any technique is useless if we don’t practice it consistently with self-awareness and retrospection.

Courage is not the absence of fear but the triumph over it. When you feel afraid but you do it anyway, that’s being brave.

This is a popular quote that has normalized courage and brought it from the forte of a few to the world of the common man.

There is one more truth that lifts the drapes even further.

When we have that “perceived” moment of bravery, we don’t get a sudden flood of courage and break free of fear’s chains. More often than not, our bravest steps are taken when we have hit rock bottom and we feel like the worst cowards.

Strength and clarity do not rush in after that first step either. It takes consistency, support and a lot of small treads to get there.

The path to bravery becomes obvious only in hindsight, never in the moment.

A cliched quote whose meaning I have only just begun to truly understand. Perseverance and grit are not about one contiguous period of attempts. Nor is it about bullheaded stubbornness to keep trying where we failed before.

I cooked my first meal after starting my first job. To say my cooking was sporadic would be an understatement. Fast forward to 8 years later and I am a consistent cook whose regularity and enjoyment have improved beyond my wildest expectations.

I have found a combination of 4 pillars to be effective in my perseverance attempts.

• Purpose. Why is this important to you? If the significance and relevance are consistent or grow over time, it is an indication that the effort is worth it.
• Self awareness. This is key to understanding if there is any change in our approach and feelings with each subsequent attempt at the same task.
• Self compassion. It is okay to fail. More importantly, to fail after succeeding once.
• Knowing when to quit. Quitting has a bad rep but sometimes it is the right thing to do. Also, quitting now does not always mean that we are quitting forever. Your future self may have the right tools which your current self does not.

Succeeding at anything is a marathon, not a sprint. It is about the journey as much as it is about the end result.

I am not smart.

This was not a smart decision on my part.

Most of us recognize that the second style of thinking is more productive than the first. Why?

• The former attributes failure to the person whereas the latter talks about the action.
• Second, active vs passive voice.

When we associate failures with self, we are casting judgement on who we are and dashing any hopes for future improvement. Making the distinction between identity and behavior helps us instead focus on the reasons why the action went wrong and nudges us to address them.

Similarly, talking in passive voice over active helps to create distance between the failure and our identity, reducing the unproductive chatter in our minds.

Interestingly, this principle also applies when we replace I with You and failure with success.

Few years ago, a close well-wisher remarked this about me as I was navigating a toxic relationship.

I have this image of you sitting in a corner. Upset. Waiting for someone to come stand up for her.

It painted a stark vivid picture and drove home a very important truth.

If I don’t stand up for myself, why do I expect anyone else will?

Respect is a fundamental right. But more importantly, it is a responsibility that we owe to our current and future selves.

Life is understood backwards but it must be lived forwards

– Soren Kierkegaard

Hindsight is most effective as a teacher, never for regrets. When we live in the past, we miss out on the present and the future until they too are relegated to the past.